Whispersfrommyheart's Blog

My Faith Sucks!

Posted on: April 12, 2012

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How many times have we desperately prayed for God to work a miracle in our lives and, in spite of our prayers, find that miracle out of reach? Or, we prayed unselfishly for another, who is going through a rough patch, and learned their suffering increased after we began praying. Maybe, like me, you too have prayed for God to deliver you from the pain of childhood trauma.

I grew up thinking if I had enough faith I could accomplish anything. I could move mountains just like Jesus said in Matthew 17:20.  In this chapter Jesus is approached by a man who told him the disciples could not cast out an epileptic demon from his son. Jesus rebukes his disciples, telling them, “Oh ye of little faith”! When the disciples inquired why they could not remove the demon, Jesus told them because of their lack of faith. If they had just a tiny speck of faith, the size of a mustard seed, they could literally move mountains.

I never moved a mountain.

I had a mountain of pain that overshadowed my heart. I wanted to remove it from my life. I was tired of living under its shadow. I wanted to be free. But, no matter how hard I prayed, or how sincere my plea, that pain remained.

Obviously, my faith sucked!

God didn’t heal my pain because I couldn’t even muster a “mustard seed” faith. Others agreed. “You only need a little, if nothing happens, then you do not have enough faith.” I believed them.

Why did my faith suck?

Even the sermons I heard reinforced the “Lack of faith” thought. All the arrows pointed to me, “There she is the lacker of faith.” This made me sad. There must be something wrong with me. I felt guilty. It’s my fault, I must not believe God.

But, I did believe God. In my heart of hearts, I totally believed he would heal me if I asked him.

What if your faith doesn’t suck? What if, the lack of healing is simply healing that is in the process?”

Wow. One little thought changed the way I considered my faith. It did not suck after all! My faith was not dependent upon my ability to conjure it up, but on “Whom” it rested.

Timothy Keller, a pastor at Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan, in his book, The Kings Cross, puts it this way…

                How much faith do we need to have to reach out and grab a branch jutting out the cliff we are falling off of? Not much. We only need to reach out and grab the branch.  “Faith” in your ability to grab the branch is not key, but the ability of the branch to save you (My paraphrase).

 Is God able? Yes.

Does our faith suck? No. We have enough to reach out and grab onto Jesus. That’s all we need to be  healed or saved.

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2 Responses to "My Faith Sucks!"

Healing for me was a long process too. I couldn’t believe how many times I heard, “Wait. Wait on the Lord.” — And that was from The Lord!

I was 47 when my final “healing” took place. I’m 54 tomorrow. 7 years into my “fully healed” life. Life is every bit as hard and challenging as before…but I am not the same…

My first memories surfaced when I was around 28 years of age, but it wasn’t until I was 38 that I began to seek counseling. By the time I reached 48 I think I had finally hit the point of being “Healed” and able to look back over my past; talk about my abuse without breaking down and feeling like I was suffocating. Most people don’t understand that healing is a process. Sometimes that process takes years to uncover the layers of issues, emotions, lies, etc., so the wound itself can be healed. God is good! He is patient. And He never leaves us the same way He found us!

Thank you for sharing!

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