Whispersfrommyheart's Blog

Murderous Hate

Posted on: April 19, 2012

She watched the disgusting child molester as he stalked his next prey. He had been easy to find. All Grace had to do was hang around the park a few days a week and wait for him to show up. It only took a couple of weeks before Jacob Pine made his appearance. He made her stomach turn. She raked her arm with her fingernails in an attempt to quiet the crawling of her skin. Disgusting.  Grace waited patiently for Jacob to get back into his car to go home. She followed him at a safe distance to find out where he lived.

            Grace checked to see if she had all the tools she needed for when she went back to Jacob’s house. He wouldn’t know what hit him! He was going to pay for his sins. She would make sure of that. She had watched his house for several nights and knew Jacob would shut the lights off, and be in bed by 10 p.m. She would wait until 11 p.m., just to make sure he was asleep before she broke in. She had waited for this day for so long, she was actually excited the day was finally here. She was feeling quite giddy.

            Scenes of her childhood played in the back of her mind. There he was. Jacob Pine. Sneaking across the hallway. She could still hear the sound of the floor creaking. The fear. Oh God! Help me. I shouldn’t be here! Why did daddy make me come here? Grace shook her head to clear it of the images threatening to overtake her. She had to keep her wits about her. She had a job to do. She couldn’t let memories distract her now. I wonder if he will even remember me. Grace checked her watch, eleven o’clock, it’s time to go.

            Jacob Pine snuggled down under the cover. A smile crossed his lips as he replayed the day. His granddaughter was getting so big. Watching her play at the park brought him so much joy. Because of his past, Jacob was not allowed to make contact, but his daughter gave permission for him to watch her from a distance. He had grievously sinned in his life. So many children he had damaged. Sometimes, the guilt was so much he thought he would suffocate. Still. He has spent 10 years in jail. Found forgiveness, yet, to him, forgiveness had been given too easily. He didn’t deserve it so freely. He needed to grovel; to beg.

He should have to crawl a mile on broken glass.

Grace imagined how the scene would play out once she was inside Jacob’s house. Terrorizing him. Hurting him. Making him scream. Tape. Rope. A knife. A gun was too humane. Jacob didn’t deserve humane…

Although the names have been changed, the above scenario is based on a true story. Mine. Hate consumed my life. Every day I daydreamed of finding the man—the so-called friend of my father’s—who had raped me when I was 7 years old. I dreamed of tormenting him. I wanted him to be miserable. I imagined causing him so much pain that he would plead and beg me for his life. I would have laughed at such a request. Laughing, while I tortured him to death.

The hate I felt for this man was real. It was murderous. I wanted him dead, and I wanted to be the one who killed him. I was miserable, he should be too. I was a mess; his life should be a wreck. I was lost in a dark hole of depression; he didn’t deserve to live. I spent so many years hating this man, so much so, plotting his demise kept me alive. Counseling helped. I learned how to forgive. But letting go of my hatred wasn’t easy. It meant retribution was out of my hands. Did I want to give vengeance back to God?

Would you?

Hate has the ability to color your perception. It deadens your heart. I remember the day God asked me to let go of my hate. I fought him. My heart continued to hurt until I obeyed. Oh, it didn’t happen overnight, but the process brought healing to my heart and peace to my mind

To this day, I do not know if my abuser has ever been caught. I don’t know if he has felt remorse, or if he has asked God to forgive him for the sins he committed against me. That is between him and God. J.P. will have to answer for what he did.

. I encourage you, if you are struggling with letting go of hate, to obey God’s word and let vengeance remain with him.

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