Whispersfrommyheart's Blog

But, I Am So Angry!

Posted on: January 28, 2014

ANGRY1
White hot.

Burning.

Seething.

I pushed my coffee cup to the side and stared out the window. My tears fell easily.

“I’m so angry,” I told my friend. “I just can’t see past the pain.”
I picked at the napkin in my hand. I could feel the simmer of my anger.

“Don’t you see how that anger is holding you back from healing?”

“I don’t know if I can let it go, Ang.”

Angie is right, I know she is. I haven’t been able to let go for years… too many years. Anger has been my motivation. If I let it go, then where would I be? How would I cope? “I’ve held on to this anger for most of my life. I don’t know how to let it go.”

Tears streamed down my face, but I didn’t care if the other patrons in the diner saw me. My pain was real and these tears validated the depth of my pain. Angie reached across the table and covered my hands with hers. Her face etched with my pain.

“I understand how deeply you were hurt, Rebecca, but keeping this anger inside is only going to eat you up inside. It will keep your heart hard, and away from God’s healing power.”

“I know.” I whimpered.

I had been a Christian since I was fourteen years old. I understood why God wanted me to release this anger into his hands. But, I couldn’t. It wasn’t fair of God to ask me to let it go. He, of all people, should understand why I am so angry! He saw the depth of depravity they drug me through. He knows what those men did. God only knows how many people saw those pictures Rick took. I was only eight years old! I deserved to be angry! Don’t I?

“You know, Rebecca,” Angie began, “God understands why you are angry. And, according to the world, you have every right to be. God isn’t mad at you because you feel anger at what those men did. He is angry too. But, your anger is not accomplishing anything. It only hurts you. God’s anger, on the other hand, will accomplish what he wants it to accomplish. He isn’t going to let them off of the hook. They still have to answer for their sin against you. God wants you to release your anger to him, so you can be free from the past. Don’t you see how your anger against those men keep you tied to them? Keeps you tied to their abuse? The longer you hold on, the less likely you are to heal.”

I hate that she is right. I can feel God’s Spirit tugging at my heart; telling me she’s right… telling me to let it go. ‘God, it’s so unfair that you’re asking me to do this!’ as if screaming in my head would change God’s mind.

“God wants to heal you, Rebecca, but you’ve got to let him do what he needs to do in you. If you won’t release your anger, he is at a stand-still. You are literally stopping him from completing his work in you… do you understand that?”

Why is she always so spot on?

“Anger is natural, but you don’t express it. You keep it bottled up inside. That’s not healthy. Not only is it hurting you spiritually, it is hurting you physically. I see some of the signs, already. **Depression. Anxiety. Those are the things I can see. But, what about what I can’t see? There are all sorts of physical ailments repressed anger can cause. You could give yourself a heart attack. A stroke. Abdominal pain. Insomnia. Headaches, and high blood pressure.

Wow. If she only knew my stomach always hurt, and sleep was next to impossible to obtain every night! Oh, wait. God knows! Is that why she keeps stabbing me with her words? God keeps exposing my wound and pouring on the salt.”

“I don’t want to see you suffer any more than you already have, Bec. It’s been a long haul, you deserve some peace.” Angie stroked my hand with her thumb. “You know I love you. I want the best for you. Think how much more God wants the best for your life. Your future. You know his plans are meant for good, right? He would never ask you to do something that would harm you. He wants you to be free from the past.”

Oh, God, help me to let it go! Help me to put this anger in your hands! Help me to be free!

“Angie,” I looked her in the eyes for the first time since we sat down. My heart pounded. Tears rolled down my face again. My breath stuck. “Pray for me…” My voice is barely a whisper. Strong emotion choked my words… “Since I gave my heart to Jesus, I told him the main thing I have always wanted to do, was to be obedient to whatever he asked of me… but I can’t do this on my own. I need help.”

“It’s okay, Rebecca.” Angie was crying too. I’m sure the other patrons wondered what was taking place in the corner booth. I wondered if they could feel the presence of God the way I could. Did they know God was meeting us at Denny’s? Could they feel a miracle taking place?

“Let’s pray now.”

Angie squeezed my hands as we bowed our heads.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

How anger affects your body, here.

For a biblical response to anger, please go here.

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Cheryl HeadShot
Award winning poet and author, Cheryl A. Thompson, has been a single mother to Trey, Charlie and Brett since October of 1989. Through the trials of her childhood, and the struggles of single-parenthood, Cheryl has learned the importance of a heart attitude toward life and God, and how that attitude impacts a person’s soul and their relationship with God. She is a 1983 graduate of Christ For the Nations, Institute, in Dallas, Texas, and a 2012 graduate of Mid-Continent University in Mayfield, Kentucky. Cheryl has been published in the FaithWriters quarterly book, FaithWriters online magazine, and a contributing writer for the Christ For the Nations—60 Years of Service coffee table book released in October of 2009. She has published articles in Heart Magazine 2012 and WHOA Women Magazine 2013. Her first book, Whispers From My Heart – Emotional and Spiritual Healing from Childhood Sexual Assault, was published in November 2009.

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4 Responses to "But, I Am So Angry!"

I’ve been angry most of my life and now for the first time I think I know why. Thank you for this post. Help me too understand what “they” mean when they say to work through it. Are there steps you follow or something more? I’ve turned it over to God hundreds of times but it never leaves. Thanks again for the Hope you have shared.

Hi. Thank you for reading my story, and for messaging me.
No. There aren’t any steps to follow. Basically, it is turning it over to God each time it rears its ugly head. It’s a process that takes place over time. Mine took years because I didn’t want to let go of anger. I didn’t want to forgive. I didn’t understand forgiveness was for my benefit, not to let those men off the hook.
Don’t give up. Keep asking God to remove the anger. Forgive those who harmed you… even though they do not deserve it… Jesus forgives us even though we don’t deserve it so we must forgive others… By forgiving you will open your heart up to God’s healing.
One day you’ll notice it isn’t as bad as it used to be. Then one day, you’ll notice the anger is absent when you think of the past.
Working through “it” is facing what happened and dealing with the issues associated with the past (ie: anger, bitterness, hatred, self destructive behaviors, etc), allowing the emotions to surface and giving them their place.
When I finally began to heal I spent an entire year at the altar at church, almost every Sunday. I literally bawled so hard I could barely breathe. I messily laid my pain on the altar. I also went into counseling and attended a “Healing Hearts” group. Every thing together is working through it.
Thank you, again, for messaging me. I hope I have answered your questions. If not, just let me know.

Thank you for getting back to me so quickly and the wise counsel. My biggest problem has been seeing it for it was, sexual abuse. Since it was another boy about my age I’ve been blaming myself all these years rather, but not more than, him. Maybe I have finally turned the corner. Thanks again for your thoughtful reply.

Guilt is one thing that isn’t yours to keep. That’s another issue to work through.
You’re welcome, too. Anytime you would like to message me, you can.

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